Hi, I’m Alex “Troy McClure” SP, you may remember me from such family-oriented documentaries as “My Child Plays With Poo: Is He Alright?” and “White Lies: Why Your Wife Is Better Off Not Knowing”. I’d like to think some of you may remember me from “Alexruiner’s Love=Pain Natalie Portman Page” but I’m afraid everyone reading was like 8 years old when I made it. I have gathered myself here today to take over Sanjiro’s Corner because he was unexpectedly run out of town by some thugs as he owed them money from a poker game gone sour. There may have also been corpses involved. He will return soon, the thugs are part of an international ballet group and will move on from the city tomorrow.

Today I wish to take everyone on a journey, a journey through the mists of time, into your dark past, centuries back, to when you first saw Natalie Portman and realized she was the best thing ever to happen to the universe. If you have an interesting (short version!) story, be so kind as to leave it in the comments. That way the world can know how rad you are, or how crap you are despite you thinking you’re rad.

My Natalie story takes us, of course, to 1996. O fateful summer! Fresh from high school graduation, me and a few friends rented the laserdisc (yes, laserdisc. of course you don’t remember that either) of THE PROFESSIONAL. And we watched it. And it was like the best thing ever since peanut butter banana cinnamon sandwiches. But what made it over-the-edge great? MATHILDA. I loved her. My best friend loved her. We had to fight each other to the death to see who would get her. But since that’s sort of grisly, we just flipped a coin. AND I WON!!! And my friend claimed it wasn’t legit. So we flipped again. AND I WON!!! The rest is history. Mathilda is the best person ever. I am great. Natalie Portman is great. Her pets are great. Her socks are great. You are probably great too. So … any interesting first times? (NATALIE RELATED, NOT HOW YOU DRUNKENLY FUMBLED AROUND ON PROM NIGHT ONLY TO FIND OUT IT WAS UNCLE JIM YOU WERE TRIPPING THE LIGHT FUNTASTIC WITH)

I apologize for any and all idiocy or worthlessness. May the Mathilda be with you … always.