Oh, I’m just kidding. Stop trembling and wipe away the tears, ya big babies. I’m taking over tonight’s updating duties from da gang because they’re all in a top secret meeting discussing the pros and cons of using nuclear energy in today’s society. Either that or someone got the latest Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. On with the update.

Someone from Ain’t It Cool (no it ain’t) posted a TERRIFICALLY GLOWING review of Garden State (you know, that Natalie movie. Yes, Natalie Portman) here. A little snippet:

But the real star of the film is the luminous Natalie Portman as Sam. I don?t care how much of a crush on her you think you have now, wait under you see her do her stuff here. Sam [that’s Natalie for those who aren’t paying attention. Natalie Portman. -editor alex] isn?t trying to be sexy or charming or beautiful, she just is by being natural. I?ve never seen Portman play a role like this.

“Sounds fantastic!” I hear you say. “Correct!” I say back. Next up, we have more fantasticness. Amidoll sent news that there was a little interview clip up from the Garden State premiere on foxnews.com and Mart was able to yoink it. It is now freely available for your perusal at this location.

Soong (who shares a name with Data’s creator from Star Trek:TNG Dr. Noonien Soong, so he/she must be smart/rad) sent us this, from eonline.com’s “Summer Movies That Make You Smarter”:

Garden State
Due Date: July 30
Try This Instead Of: Anything billed as must-see TV
Study Guide: Okay, so it’s the first feature from a guy on a fairly popular sitcom. Don’t hold that against him. Zach Braff (Scrubs) stars as a depressive young actor who comes home to New Jersey for his mother’s funeral and spends the film playing catch-up and kissy-face with the oddball collection of quirky characters (it is a downbeat indie comedy, after all) who populate his hometown. It’s a small film with a reluctantly big heart and a cast that includes Natalie Portman, Ian Holm and Method Man. Talk about something for everyone.
SAT Score: 550. Smartass indies like this always have rueful, sarcastic dialogue you can adapt for use at hipster cocktail parties and barbecues–until enough people see the movie and realize you’re just a biter.

Nice, nice. Except a 550 SAT score is freakin’ horrid! Maybe they meant 1550? I did better than 550 in 7th grade, for yoda’s sake. Maybe they were stupid schoolkids.

Cal from the AQMB found further proof that Natalie’s headed back into stage stuff. By “stage stuff”, I mean THEATRE. Acting. In front of people. LIVE. Her. 30 feet from you. Now, nobody’s looking. You can slooowly … oh, I won’t go there. Anyway, the article is here, and the gist of it is:

Two other revivals theater people are starting to talk about are “Night Mother,” starring Edie Falco and Brenda Blethyn, and “The Glass Menagerie,” starring Jessica Lange and Natalie Portman.

Craig sent in some np.com comic fanart! Which is a first! Which is great! But why didn’t I think of it? I should bust out a few myself, then pretend Craig never existed, and take all the credit for my brilliant insight. Right Craig? No, I wouldn’t do that. Anyway, check them HERE COMIC 1 CLICK CLICK and ALSO HERE C’MON CLICK COMIC 2. Now, I’m under the threat of torture through having to watch endless reruns of Oprah, but I’m gonna do it anyway: there’s huge CIA-like secrecy surrounding the upcoming 50th comic strip, so I think it’s gonna be something extraordinary. Life-changing, perhaps! Now hush, I never toldsya nuffink.

Juanma scored us a Cold Mountain collage. It features a sweaty baby, as well as NATALIE PORTMAN: Mommy, what’s that man doing on top of that lady?

Guess what? Yep, you guessed it — WALLPAPER TIME. Today we have futuristic blocky wallpaper from Amy and Mathilda’s exquisite godly superlovely marrymenow visage from Colobot. Martin (no relation to our Mart. Unless uhh, they are related. In which case, of relation to our Mart) sent in this this blue wallpaper. It looks like The Smiths or Belle & Sebastian could use it for an album cover, no? That’s a good thing. Ed sent in this: well hellooooo momma! what HAAAVE we here!? Thanks guys! And always remember, Mathilda is the best person ever.

Wanna see something cool? You do? Go watch The Office. Wanna see something NATALIE RELATED that’s cool? You do? Check out this TXT “picture” of Natalie that Anthony sent in. It’s a crazy modern world, where you can make pictures out of text, crazy I tells ya…

More coolness: some crazycool feller named Max sent in some Natdrawings from his site. They’re perfectly eccentric:

uhh…DUCK
Leoncomic 1
Leoncomic 2
Leoncomic 3
Natalie, have you been eating people’s brains again?

There’s a discussion on the IMDB board for Closer with someone who has seen it. And because I seriously doubt your link-clicking abilities, here’s the main bit:

WHO DO YOU THINK HAD THE BEST PERFORMANCE?
I think I’ve answered this elsewhere here, but just for the record, Clive Owen owns this movie, as does Natalie Portman. Jude’s very good, and Julia…well, ehh…whatever.

WHAT KINDA MUSIC WAS THERE?
At this point in screenings, they tell you that the music may not be what ends up in the final movie. However, there was a memorable singer songwriter kinda song (i.e. male singer, acoustic guitar) over the opening credits, and it was played at the end too. That’s the only music I remember.

DID THEY CUT ANY SCENES OUT THAT WERE IN THE PLAY?
I never saw the play, but I read somewhere that in the play Clive’s character was the emergency room doctor for Natalie’s character in the opening segment. He wasn’t in the movie. Clive didn’t show up until about 15 or so minutes into the movie.

DID THEY ADD SOME, OR JUST EXTEND ALL OF THEM?
I dunno. But each scene seemed very much like a scene from a play.

WHEN DO YOU SEE CLIVE’S A$$?
Later on in the film. I think it’s in a scene where he comes from a convention, then admits to Anna (Julia) that he had sex with a prostitute while he was away.

HOW MUCH OF NATALIE’S BREAST DO YOU ACTUALLY SEE?
Just a fast side glimpse of it.

AND HOW WAS GARDEN STATE?
I enjoyed it a lot, and want to see it again. The only reason I’d see Closer again is to see if they changed anything. Natalie’s a knockout in Garden State. Peter Saarsgard is great too, and I was very impressed with what Zach Braff was able to do with a first film.

Phew! And here I thought it was going to be a small little teensy update. I’m gonna charge the guys five bucks for my hard work…an hour wasted…an hour of my short youth…snif snif…

Laters.